Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

Kahlil Gibran

things...

5175333

so i am sat in bed. alone. Mr G is on the night shift. its cold. and lonely. and im dreading tomorrow, which is not good, because so far I don't think there is a day where I have dreaded waking up in the morning to work. I'm undecided as to whether this is because of my new attachment to the gentleman. or because the pill i'm taking is making me grumpy, or because things are genuinely coming to an end for me here and its time to move on.? i am really confused by this. and i hate the feeling i am feeling. but who knows, maybe tomorrow won't be a bad day..

whatever. we'll see.

up bright and early! as ever. gerrit had to work at 6, which meant his alarm clock went off at half past four. ouch! at least i get to go back to sleep afterwards...

i think finally the getting up thing is getting less painful, but its taken literally months adjust. but i think its also more to do with the fact that because he now also has a job we both go to bed at a reasonable time of night. sometimes ;)

we had our first snow the day before yesterday, and its supposed to continue through the week, and the bus has still got its summer tyres on. whoops! hopefully thats not so much of a problem just yet...

trying to keep up to date and failing.

had i mentioned that i am head over heels for the boy? and have no idea what to do about it, especially as i'm no-where near convinced that he's anywhere near head over heels for me. which honestly scares the crap out of me.

i'm in a really weird mood this morning - incase that excuses anything i write.

i'm cross, and confused. and just generally feeling like an unpleasant person :p

but im going to get dressed and go downstairs and hope that the little people put a smile on my face. but at the same time he is down there. and then my brain is over-ridden by some other supernatural force and i may not be able to just enjoy being downstairs.

j's gone to the uk for the weekend. which is good, because hopefully she'll come back feeling a little better. i miss my mommy though, and wish i was there instead. i think in the new year im going to home for a few weeks. and then i need to decide on a date where i no longer officially am working here. im thinking end of april is reasonable. and then its a question of what i do to make money, do i go home? im kind of leaning towards doing just that. when i told j i was going home for new year there was kind of an irritation in the response. that annoyed me.

80 days

So I decided to read through my blog a little bit, and decided that there were some fairly significant events that I have missed out.

But the main one is that for the last 80 days, I have shared a bed with the gentleman that was making my life a little bit more difficult. and he's still cute. i can also add 1 - to my number of encounters with the male species.

a week in scotland

a weekend in munich

a night in st. peter

i have never been so unsure of myself in my entire life. but ce la vie. better to have loved and to have lost, than to have never loved at all. maybe i'll read this when i get my heart broken and see sense....?

i had a sinus infection, followed by a chest infection, followed by a tummy bug. i have been more sick in the last month than i have been collectively in the whole of the rest of my life. i got offered a job as a children's ski instructor down in bavaria for a month in the new year.

1. so, today i gave Gerritt my converse, which i'm convincing myself was sensible, because they are definitely not lady like. and made my feet look like clowns feet. Now aside from the fact that I have room in my cupboard for another pair of shoes, like the amazing red stilettos that I know are sitting at home for me, he looks even more gorgeous, which makes life a little bit more difficult. He also said 'thank you for giving me your man shoes' in English. and entire sentence, I was genuinely astounded. so cute!

2. i think i should do some kind of summation, i don't know of what.

we can start with...

amount of german learnt: 0%

trips to berlin: 2

trips to hamburg:...finally more than 2

trips home: 4 ( i think..)

encounters with the male species: 0

encounters with....creepy crawlies: more than i could ever imagine

and now my list is exhausted

3. E. E. Cummings (1894-1962)

i like my body when it is with your

1i like my body when it is with your

2body. It is so quite new a thing.

3Muscles better and nerves more.

4i like your body. i like what it does,

5i like its hows. i like to feel the spine

6of your body and its bones,and the trembling

7-firm-smooth ness and which i will

8again and again and again

9kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,

10i like,slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz

11of your electric fur,and what-is-it comes

12over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,

13and possibly i like the thrill

14of under me you so quite new

"People move away, grow older, die, and the bright belief that there will be another marvellous thing around each corner fades. It is now or never; we must snatch at happiness as it flies."

L.J.Carr

"When you stay at home thinking of those who are long gone or those who are getting kisses from someone that is not you. I love you. For those who want what they probably need and whose bodies are starving not for food. For me and for you and for all the people who never knew or understood what you would do for them. I love you."

things not to forget;
to pick up katherine
to go to the verwaltungsamt and sort out citizenship - very very important DO NOT FORGET!

to..finish the box for luzie

to go to bed on time

to try and survive the onslaught from three small children

to not buy crap at the supermarkets

So, the results from my blood test came back with nothing obvious, which is a bit of an arse, because quite frankly I was hoping someone would go OH!, we missed that. Take these, feel better, lose some weight. But perhaps I just need to find some more motivation inside me. Someone on TV the other day said fat people were just greedy, I think she might be right, and I should stop being so greedy ;)

I have an appointment in October with the lady doctor, to talk about certain things and I really hope that If I do go on the pill, if thats the solution, then I don't put on vast amounts of weight.

On the up-side things are going well with the good looking German, as of yet we haven't had a concrete conversation about these things however, but I'm working on that one.

For the first time in about 20 years I have a cold thats lasted more than 24 hours - doesn't happen to me very often - definitely not enjoying it, but jacked in the art class this morning to stay in bed, and Julie brought me breakfast as she decided she also wasn't going to go, but instead has some bits and pieces to sort out. I'm going to enjoy this whilst it lasts and go back to sleep.

The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun

The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun

Thank you Miss.Perren

hmmm...doctors appointment tommorrow. needles and things. bleugh... i need to find my purse on that note. no idea where i put it. silly girl.

and g starts his practical placement thing, which means he has to get up insanely early. which means im now going to sleep. yup, thats it, thats all you get, until i have the energy to write something more...

I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could, can't keep my mind off of you.

so I am back in the UK for the whole of...12 more hours, I'm going to a wedding in the morning, which I'm looking forward to very much. And then I'm flying up to Edinburgh, mum is flying on Wednesday to Hamburg, and Dad is going to Holland. Christopher gets his results, to see if he gets into college this time round or not.

E. E. Cummings (1894-1962)

i like my body when it is with your

1i like my body when it is with your

2body. It is so quite new a thing.

3Muscles better and nerves more.

4i like your body. i like what it does,

5i like its hows. i like to feel the spine

6of your body and its bones,and the trembling

7-firm-smooth ness and which i will

8again and again and again

9kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,

10i like,slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz

11of your electric fur,and what-is-it comes

12over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,

13and possibly i like the thrill

14of under me you so quite new

Notes

1] Cummings wrote this poem for Elaine Thayer (Richard F. Kennedy, in Dreams in the Mirror: A Biography of E. E. Cummings [New York: Liveright, 1980]: 194-95).

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

So I hadn't realised I have been here for a year and a week, until today, which is a bit of a shame, because I was going to go buy myself celebratory ice cream or something. oh well. so

i think i should do some kind of summation, i don't know of what.

we can start with...

amount of german learnt: 0%

trips to berlin: 2

trips to hamburg:...finally more than 2

trips home: 4 ( i think..)

encounters with the male species: 0

encounters with....creepy crawlies: more than i could ever imagine

and now my list is exhausted.

hmm

other places i've been....turkey..and..nearly edinburgh.

chuck taylor

so, today i gave Gerritt my converse, which i'm convincing myself was sensible, because they are definitely not lady like. and made my feet look like clowns feet. Now aside from the fact that I have room in my cupboard for another pair of shoes, like the amazing red stilettos that I know are sitting at home for me, he looks even more gorgeous, which makes life a little bit more difficult. He also said 'thank you for giving me your man shoes' in English. and entire sentence, I was genuinely astounded. so cute!

no matter how much i love you, you will always love me more

the babies birthday was fabulous! they turned 2 in style and have been acting out the terrible twos almost by the book since.

b was screaming for me to the point where I nearly didn't leave the house this afternoon. but in the end I got out and gerritt and i took our bikes to scharbeutz and cycled to pelzerhaken and then back. it was...hard work, but once i had it into my head that i had to fight the burn, it was ok and i made it in one piece.

the i rollerbladed to the post box, which is another little thing im working on, also because i imagine that when you can rollerbladewell, you can probably ice skate better than you could before?

so that was a huge fail, you'll be lucky if you get an update once a week ;) freyja left this evening, which was sad, but tommorow is the babies 2nd birthday, which is very exciting! and i found this quote when looking for something to write in a book for M

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

I also think there is a mouse in my room, and am not entirely sure what to do about it apart from try to ignore it and go to sleep, on the basis that my laptop and its charger stay in my bed so they can't chewed through..

Time is running away, I will try and update this everyday for a week to try and get things back on track. Freyja has arrived safely, and passed out in her bed having been awake now for 20 hours straight, and having not stopped even to sit down for 5 minutes. Bless her little cotton socks. We went to the beach bar this evening, it was lovely, except it rained, so really it wasn't lovely at all.

N had surgery today to fix his hernia, which went well, he is staying in the hospital this evening, but should be home tommorow at about lunchtime.

Not made any plans for the weekend yet, they are weather dependant. Sadly the temperature has dropped significantly since yesterday, but nearly 20 degrees :P It's back to jeans and hoodies. I stood on a wasp today, not very intelligent.

I'm now going to indulge myself in some trashy magazine reading!

getting slow

so my blogging has slowed down dramatically recently. mainly becuase i just have no energy to update it. the last few days i have been much happier, but im still lacking some motivation. i should have alot to say, but i am struggling even to write back to people that message me so...

calling all angels

long time no update, and i wonder why my post count isn't going up as quickly as i like.

i set my alarm clock this morning for 6.30, to see if i would actually wake up, i did. now i cant sleep, and the alternatives are to clean my apartment, or go rollerblading. i think going rollerblading would be the best...on friday we are having a party, so i have to bake lots and lots of things today. so julie told me to use my judgement as to when to come down. i think 8am is a reasonable time....

finally there has been some rain, which means some let-up in the undeniably fabulous unbearable heat. last night i swam in the north sea for the first time, it was beautiful. normally here we go to the east coast, which is the baltic sea, and being a sea, there is alot less salt in the water, and no tides, so it was kind of nice to get salty water in my hair and see the tide go out.

today i am small. and lost and alone. and feeling sorry for myself, incase you hadn't noticed...

left foot = bee sting

right root = piece of glass

head = exploding

i must have done something at some point to upset someone all powerful...

today i deleted nearly every single email i ever received, there was over 1000. i've also started to have a clear out, purchased some $3 rollerblades, and am trying to cut down on dairy products. i think this week is going to be a great week :) the weather is AMAZING, yesterday the highest I saw was 38.8 degrees, and garrett's here, and the dragon boat race is on Saturday, and then soon Freyja is coming to stay, it's all very, very exciting!

so today i stepped on a plate (it broke), found creepy crawlies in my room, cut chunks out of my finger, drove the wrong way down a road...erm.....so yea. no comment.

‘today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.’

http://zenhabits.net/20-things-i-wish-i-had-known-when-starting-out-in-life/

so today it was 35 degrees in the shade, and beautiful. this evening was more beautiful, i went up onto the terrace to make a start on finishing my second masterpiece. i scared some birds, bumped into a hornet, and then stood on some dead crispy wasps barefoot to get there, but when i got there, it was well worth it. so my cellist has now had about 25 face lifts and 12 goes at botox, but shes getting there. im hoping, perhaps too enthusiastically, that i will finish her tomorrow. and then i went for a ride on my bike, because im practicing riding without hands, because i think it would be a cool skill to have.

my post count does not seem to increasing, its a little bit sad really...

so...today germany beat england 4:1 in the world cup, which was quite exciting. i am not feeling totally myself as of late, i am not settled, and im not content like i normally i am. im not happy with....i dont know. me i suppose. but that can be changed, i am confused about the future, and about what im doing here, and not being at uni, but not properly learning german and finding something to do and etc etc etc. i dont know im a little bit of a fluffy mess. on the upside the weather has improved so maybe we will finally get a summer!!!

guess what? i am not a robot.

i have spent the evening googling arty sites and hanging out in the garden. i have finished one of my pieces for the music festival, and am going to to a little bit of doodling before i go to bed.

beautiful words.

i'm sat making a list of words that i consider to be "beautiful" for a piece of work i'm trying to finish, so far i have:

eloquence

beauty/beautiful

divine

soliloquy

chaos

passion

grace

radiant

poetic

serendipity

hopefully tomorrow i will be able to finish canvas #1 and no longer have to worry about it, and sadly i'm beginning to feel that canvas #2 is a little bit of a lost cause. but it's ok, i'm going to get famous and then loads of people will want my paintings, after all the Schleswig Holstein Musik Festival is actually a big deal. Not that I'm name dropping.

this morning we went swimming, then shopping then home, ate lunch, unpacked the shopping, hung out the laundry and chased children. and then this afternoon i went to my first dragon boat training session, which was very cool, and ....then went with Laura for a swim in the Wakenitz, which was also very, very nice.

life is brighter when you are around.

so i have been keeping an on the move diary, but the notebook that it is is on the stairs and quite frankly i cannot be bothered to go and get it.

the weather has been so on and off today, we went swimming this morning and all of the little ones were happy in the water, which made a big difference. its brilliant sunshine one minute and pouring it down the next. we all sat under the umbrella and watched it tumble, which was quite fun.

new concept...

this is my new on the move diary.

"so i'm going to start an on the move diary, becuase at the moment the little ones tend to fall asleep when we're driving en-route to somewhere and then someone has to stay in the car with them. i have a book, that i mean to carry around but every morning i take it out of my handbag becuase i decide that theres no point in carrying around extra weight when im not going to be able to use it. but on several occasions i would have had the opportunity to read, and have not had my book. and i always have a notebook, so if i blog into my notebook and then type it up when i get home, then thats ok as well. as i write this julie is buying fruit trees in jawoll. now normally when i plan to do stuff like this it doesn't work, so we will see, maybe the idea will take off, and maybe it will not, becuase im too lazy...i've parked the bus along several spaces, which was a little bit naughty, especially as its not a very big carpark. but in the event that the carpark fills, i can move the bus i guess.

people use "i love you" not too much, but too....carefree. if you say it, it should mean something, i wouldn't say it unless i was 200% sure i meant it. but at the same time i don't know what it means. does it imply you would take a bullet for the person???? or just love them for who they are. and there is a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. and you can be both at once...but...

a collection of amazingly cool things. courtesy of the rethink scholarship

http://www.neatorama.com/2010/03/27/hummer-stagecoach/

http://www.yankodesign.com/2010/03/30/google-envelopes-beta-of-course/

http://www.likecool.com/Shoes_That_Make_Everyone_The_Same_Height--News--Gear.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Likecool+%28Likecool-gadget+and+design+magazine%29

http://www.logosdesigners.com/#saul-bass

http://www.davidairey.com/astronomy-poster-design/

http://thefutureperfect.com/detail.php?id=210

mess up my bed with me?

i just watched dear john, it was ok. great soundtrack, nondescript movie, but i like amanda seyfried. and he was nice to look at.

my ear has settled down, and my room is much tidier than it was, but my hoover is not hoovering properly so i need to sort that out.

i have cold feet. =)

now you're gorgeous, now you're gone.

oh golly golly gosh. i have not updated in such a long time.
so working backwards...i got my ear pierced today :D and fi got hers done too, and freyja wanted to have hers done but needs to have an mri, so couldn't beacuse they do nasty things like rip metal out of you.
yesterday....was...sunday -> i watched christopher play american football and did a little bit of shopping, i found a bright pink laptop cover with owls on it, very, very cute!
saturday -> went to sonia and toms in the evening, for an end of uni BBQ, got marvellously drunk, played on the trampoline and brandished power tools.
friday -> journey back from turkey, long and boring. did alot of reading though, which was nice becuase normally i don't have time to read.
thursday - previous friday -> turkey - AMAZING, it was really beautiful, the people were lovely, the sea was bluer than blue.

ho hum, what else..?...i am developing a dislike of air travel, its becoming tedious, just boring. i can't be bothered with packing and unpacking my suitcase every 20 seconds, maybe i should just leave one under my bed thats ready to go. i think that would be a good idea.

now i think it is bedtime, i will try and update a little more frequently when im back.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5jTkoU1Ucz9wL51n0n_iBKcraaHSQ

tonight we went disco bowling, and then to this girl called janas, and then back to daves. it is now nearly 4 in the morning. i love life :)

event, comment, source.

julie is forcing me to write this. for fear of getting no dinner.

i am nobbing good at taking photos.

apparently this is constructive.

:)

Some pretty pink (almost) flowers

Some pretty pink (almost) flowers, originally uploaded by faithnack.

So, becuase I'm insanely clever, i only managed to make my blog pink this evening, which wasn't quite the plan. But when i have more time to faff with it properly I will edit it to make my very own beautiful page =)

you got the love.

just for the record. mathias, is gorgeous.

making cushion covers in the rain.

my first moleskine

and my first walk up the reeperbahn. my second venture into hamburg, and my first time on public transport since living in germany (apart from the u-bahn in berlin). stanfour played, there was a big party at the harbour, and boats doing ballet. and so many people like i have never in my life seen before. and sausages, and candy floss and ferris wheels. im sat here with a grumbly tummy. and it feels like i just ate, but really i ate at like 9, and its now 4. so thats a long time. i love life.

i hate the days...

...when you want to go somewhere, and can't find something to wear. which is ironic, becuase i was making breakfast in my underwear, and feeling incredibly, incredibly sexy for the first time in quite a while. and then i had to put clothes on, and it ruined it somehow..

i miss the beach :)

today.

is a beautiful beautiful day. and I'm fairly sure no-one reads this any more, but if someone, somewhere is reading this...have a lovely day :)

voting and getting naked.

yesterday, was a big day for me. i voted for the first time. so really it wasnt a big day for me at all, but for some reason that fact needs documenting. i registered for my postal vote like a good girl-becuase julie made me-and have tried to keep a bit up to date with whats going on. but to be honest they're all fighting like 5 year olds over who has the prettiest barbie that it seems silly. so i've put my cross in the box and it will go in the post on monday.
today is a bank holiday here...which seems really silly to have a bank holiday on a saturday. but whatever.
and then yesterday evening we went to the ostsee therme, which was really nice. Initially we had meant to go to a ball, but then they changed the dress code to smart casual, and so my ballgown became less apporiate and going going swimming seemed like a better idea. i think i have already blogged about this place, but its huge, some of the saunas are bigger than my bedroom, and i have a rather large bedroom...but anyway the saunas are textile free. so normally i cheat, and just wear a bikini or something that covers me up, without showing any straps and then put a towel over the top. now this only works if you want to go into the sauna, if you want to go in the whirlpools and jacuzzis, then you have to get properly naked. obviously. and ...there is a jacuzzi on the roof, overlooking the ocean, at sunset. you'd be really stupid if you didn't want to go sit in it. so for the first time since i was about 3, i bared all. and went and sat in the jacuzzi.
hurray for the germans love of nakedness!

Oren Lavie 'Her Morning Elegance'

more internetless updates.

So, still internetless. Which I forgot to mention yesterday. I am currently blogging in word and will upload things when we finally have some internet. Blink 182. Now theres a blast from the past. I fell in love with a girl at the rock show. I organised my clothes, and hoovered this evening, I also almost finished painting the wasch-kuche door. And now I have candles, and fairy lights making my room glow like something that belongs at the north pole. Or a fairy tale. Or in a brothel perhaps. Moulin rouge style. I have not communicated with a single soul outside of the Bissnitz world. Except for Ollie a tiny bit, oh and I called my Grandma and Mum & Dad. So actually I’ve not done too badly. And I’ve gone more than 24 hours with no facebook. I think that is a miracle in itself. So, so, so, we’re going to the Baumarkt tommorow. We need more paint, and sandpaper and other DIY bits J night night.

drunken ramblings from a saturday night...

I had knid of hoped that I would come back, pass out and not remember what I did this evening. But I have not had enough to drink, although their tequila shots were very well priced at $2. I have decided to continue with the Mexican tradition by having nachos to quench my drunken nashies. I had forgotten that we have no internet, and was kind of hoping it would be back by now anwyway…I have fallen into bed. With all my clothes on, which is where I intend to stay until morning J and hope that I don’t feel like I drank the entire bottle of tequlia, which at $2 a shot I could have done. But no-one else was really drinking…the germans don’t really get drunk the same way that we do. They do at like their tractor meets or their feuerwehr drills. But not so much in public. And also the average age of the person in the atrium was about 12. So …la la la tortialla chips and apple juice are yummy. I’m glad I went out, I very nearly decided not to, but decided in the spirit of atom bashing I couldn’t really say no to an evening with german people. I succumbed to asking carlo what he was up to and whether he wanted to come, but he said he’d been cycling for the entire day and was too tired. Well. Blah to him J im also glad that we didn’t stay out so late. I think 2 is a reasonable time to get home. I also brought a carton of apple juice up. Which is very very naughty seeing as im not drinking juice at this present moment in time. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllaammma.heres a lama theres a llama and anoter== little lamma. Lamma lama duck,llama o a acar alarma, right this is getting ridiculous. Bedtime.!!!!

You self destructive little girl...

Pick yourself up
Don't blame the world
So you screwed up
But your gonna be ok
Now call your boyfriend
And apologize
You pushed him pretty
Far away last night
He really loves you
You just don't always love yourself.

And all this time
Ohhh all this time
You have had it in you
You just sometimes need a push
All this time
Ohhh all this time
You have had it in you
You just sometimes need a push

Think all the mean girls
That pulled your hair
Are barefoot now and
Pregnant there
And you write pop songs
And get to travel around the world

And all this time
Ohhh all this time
You have had it in you
You just sometimes need a push
And all this time
Ohhh all this time
You have had it in you
You just sometimes need a push

So you've had some detours
Some stupid men
Now we know what not
to do again
Besides you lucked out
Finally

And all this time
Ohhh all this time
You have had it in you
You just sometimes need a push
All this time
Ohhh all this time
You have had it in you
You just sometimes need a push

All this time
Ohhh all this time
You have had it in you
You just sometimes need a push

iThink

that having made the decision to move from this horrible machine, to an iMac, was a good decision, although we'll soon find out I'm sure! I have no idea what I'm going to do with the $600 worth of machine sat on my lap, but I decided I would far, far rather invest $100 in a mac, than in a new hard-drive.
So instead of spending $100, I spent $1000. Good job I can afford it. not....my savings are sat in the corner crying now.
And I feel a bit gutted that I bought this one in the first place.

You know, you shouldn't always listen to your father ;)

i hope she flies

so clearly they way to forward ones social life, is to throw your laptop across the floor. not only does this mean you're not in contact with the people you like to talk to, it also means you are bugging new computer literate friends for what to do with the laptop that you just threw across the floor.
and now, feeling super geeky im running linux, which im actually quite enjoying and might keep :)

so, so, so.

social projects - are the bane of my life. i mean $3 for 3 new handbags. its amazing! and all they need is a bit of jazzing up and voila you have 3 fabulous new handbags. well. 2 handbags and a laptop bag.
and then i got 2 shirt, one of which was from esprit. and a new coat, and 2 new scarves, and a new plant pot, and a new silk jumper..all for less than $10. its amazing.

and then comes ikea, to buy the pretty fabric to line the pretty new bags with fabulousness, and away you go.

a whole new wardrobe, several times over, for no money :)

Neopolitan Dreams

So..I lost a wedding invitation. Which makes the RSVP a little more difficult..
But I will find it tommorow, or another day, becuase I have spent all evening tidying my room and didn't see it, so I have probably put it somewhere silly..and safe. Putting things in a safe place is never ever a good idea.
I don't think you're ever 100% in the room.
It was really lovely today, the sun was shining, and I bought myself some very expensive eco-friendly shower gel, having decided that I am only from now on, going to use eco-friendly bathroom products. I even have love your planet shampoo. and bio conditioner. i'm so cool. in the summer i might even go and hug some trees.
last night i was reading about rare birds, there are nearly 1000 species that are at risk of becoming extinct. and one of the chinese river dolphins has been allowed to become extinct, one hasn't been seen since 2006. it's so so tragic that anyone can let something like that happen.

you push me into overdrive.

julie asked me to be mathis's godmother :)
easter has come and gone.
katherine has also come and gone.
our birthdays have come and gone.
and the good weather also appears to have come and gone.
the herons....are not here like they should be. we have a few. but not enough.
we....
went to the kunsthalle st annen in luebeck, which is actually a very very nice art gallery, its just not well marketed.
went to ...luebeck with joshi and just shopped. i finally gave in and bought myself a hairdryer with a european plug :O i might finally be coming to terms with the fact that i actually do live here, and its no longer a temporary thing.
i totally overdosed on chocolate yesterday, but today i have been very holy, apart from some mini eggs and....a tiny tiny cadburys caramel rabbit :P which considering i still have vast amounts of chocolate in my room, is not bad going I don't think.

eloquence and anger....

don't mix.

here she comes with her master plan..

...and im starting to lose control.
so german this evening, and then a late night dash around luebeck to find an open pharmacy. and then...came home. julie and armin are in the midst of a big traslation, which is very very exciting. whats less exciting is mathias's pechance for "not" going to bed when he should do. he climbs out on such a regular basis that its not even funny anymore!
carlo was saying that one of his nieces wouldn't sleep until midnight, and then woke up at 4. i mean thats painful.

daffodils

today, i was given daffodils. becuase they're english :)
and now it's julies birthday.
so i am wrapping presents and sorting bits and bobs. but im going to try hurry up becuase i want to go to sleep..:)

i'll pretend my hearts not on fire if you let me..

happy birthday to me!
its 1.27. im on my on and blowing up my own balloons. fun times!
and i spent the last few hours sewing cushion covers and cleaning my room, which is still a mess. i just moved all the mess into the corner that you can't see..its quite a useful corner.
i found a beautiful top today in tk maxx, but the queue was too long to wait in becuase i had to come home for my german lesson. and then there was a lorry crash on the autobahn, so that also didnt really help.
my hands now smell of balloons.
i should go to bed, or else i will be exhausted in the morning =]
night night.

don't get lost...

i tired to go to ikea last night and ended up instead getting stunningly lost.
it was beautiful to be lost in hamburg in the car on a saturday night. i imagine its a little bit like gettng lost in london on a saturday night, just not quite as bad.
but now i've had a good sleep and the sun is shining so everything is better, apart from the dent that i managed to put into my bank balance with my unguided tour..
i was also playing slalom with the frogs last night, as it rained and they all decided to come play on the road, there were hundreds of them, it was really amazing.
julies not here this weekend, shes gone to stay with my parents, which is nice, becuase she's spent a few days chilling out and we've done the same, its been quite funny trying to hold the fort a little bit. but armins been lovely and let me sleep every morning so far. although now im going to get dressed and go downstairs anyway. =]

this life is so complicated until we see it through the eyes of a child

and i am sat here the last couple of days realising how damned insecure i actually am. and i spend all this time pretending not to be,or convincing myself that i am not. and that im some kind of super power and im not. becuase im always hiding this, or that, or worrying about a)b)c), xyz blah blah blah. and this is not supposed to be some kind of im feeling sorry for myself something or another
so anyway. whenever im out, i constantly fiddle with this t-shirt, or wrap this cardi up, or fiddle with this or that or the other.
I fucking hate this keyboard.
joshi said oh shit this afternoon, it was very very funny
the heron colony is on its way back, which is very exciting
So yes the insecurity thing.
i...recently realised that for a long while, i didn’t believe in love. Like at all. I was convinced that every male on the planet had an alterier motive. Which is pathetic because its clearly not true, but how can anyone love me when i don’t love me. And what if i am that stupid cat woman, who has no children, has never been kissed and dies prematurely alone. Once again, i would like to make the point that these are not im feeling sorry for myself, these are genuine thoughts that are really bugging me. What if i don’t get my perfect man and 2.4 children?
I... have this ridiculous self-esteem, that makes me question peoples intentions. Like Ant and Ollie, i always find myself imagining that they were both joking in whatever nice things it was they might have respectively ever said about me,
And then..there’s this girl nele, who is joshis godmother, and about a head taller than i am, and about the same size and shes a party animal.
And i love to dance, but i hate going out dancing. And i was trying to figure this out the other day, and its because i don’t like me. I don’t feel comfortable prancing around in heels, because i just feel stupid.
Now don’t get me wrong i don’t want to be a size 8 and probably couldn’t be even if i wanted to be...but i have got to sort myself out, because i have the self esteem of a pea. Now. I don’t care if people see me as chunky, but. Its more how i see me. I saw myself in a window today, and it made me really cross, because i have this body, and it does all the things a normal sized body does, its not like i waddle like a penguin when i walk, or i cant touch my toes or other various things that really fat people cant do. But i see me different to how i am, and how other people see me. And i don’t know where im going with this. I was just trying to find the root of my not liking to go dancing thing, and i think this is it. And my social skills, they aren’t as inept as they were, but they’re not good.
Im always fiddling with clothes, to hide this, or that, or pulling them down or up and its ridiculous.

Having ranted to laura, this also belongs in my blog of the year. tonights a bit better, except i had macdonalds - well kind of, and then ... pancakes with ice cream, so....we start again tommorow, with hopefully immense amounts of will power. i will nail this in the end.

Know your place I

Always remember, that in truth, you are only a small, and insignificant cog, in a massive machine you can't control.

Wie New York ohne Sinatra
Wie Wien ohne den Prater
Wie ein Herzschlag ohne Blut
Wie Lindenberg ohne Hut
Wie ne Eiszeit ohne Schnee
England ohne Tee
So als ob bei Steve McQueen die ganze Coolheit fehlt

Jeder Boxer braucht ne Linke,
Kiss braucht viermal Schminke
Tonic braucht Gin.
Wie wär ein Leben ohne Sinn?
Wie ein leeres Paket
Wie ein Rad das sich nicht dreht
So als ob anstatt nem Sturm nur ein leichter Wind weht

So bin ich ohne dich
Du hältst mich mir fehlt nichts
Lass mich nie mehr los
Lass mich lass mich nie mehr los
Lass mich nie mehr los
Lass mich lass mich nie mehr los

Wie das All ohne Planeten
Astronauten ohne Raketen
Paul Newman ohne Clou
Old Shatterhand ohne Winnetou
Wie ein Dieb der nicht stiehlt
Wie ein Wort das nicht zählt
So als ob beim Alphabet ein Buchstabe fehlt.

So bin ich ohne dich
Du hältst mich mir fehlt nichts
Lass mich nie mehr los
Lass mich lass mich nie mehr los


I had a good day.
Art.
Lunch.
Garden.
Ice cream.
Weiland.
Bastel Laden
Mud
Snow
Climbing frames
more art
ruined canvas
shopping
pampers pull ups - size 5
white eggs
decorating easter eggs
german lesson with armin
sleep
EARLY START TOMMOROW

flights booked.

away we go. :) more snow. very cold.

snow

its snowing.more.unimpressed.

don't go to the opera.

i went with dave to the "vorspiele" of the tempest tonight.
they talked for half an hour before hand
then they sang everything, which was impossible to understand.
then....they broke limbs of a barbie doll
....threw twigs round the stage...
...and pretended to be penguins.

then we were kicked out. i so don't understand what happened.

and i might have scarlet fever. and .... i have never seen such insane weather in my life. sun snow hail rain wind rainbows. crazy, crazy shit.

i bought a polaroid and a table lamp yesterday at the social project in segeberg the are both totally cool. except i cant get any ilm for the polaroid.

nearly 100 but not quite.

a lake has opened up in the field opposite, it's very very cool, and very, very big, and all the wild birds come to to it, so it's also getting quite noisy. it has not snowed for at least 2 days now =]
i have a new shower curtain, its lovely lovely. and has kicked off all my wild plans to pimp my bathroom.

grey's anatomy in the bath

becuase thats how everyone should watch it.

like a virgin you're Madonna.

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldnt forget you and so I went and let
You blow my mind
Your sweet moving
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided youre the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, aint that mr. mister on the radio stereo
The way you move aint fair you know
Hey soul sister I dont want to miss a single thing you do,
Tonight

Heeey, Heeeeey heeeey!

Just in time I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my love direction
A game show love connection we cant deny
I'm so obsessed my heart is bound to beat right
Out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you like a virgin your Madonna
And Im always gonna want to blow your mind

Hey soul sister, aint that mr. mister on the radio stereo
The way you move aint fair you know
Hey soul sister I dont want to miss a single thing you do
Tonight

Well you can cut a rug
Watching you's the only drug I need
Some gangster Im so in love
Youre the only one Im dreaming of, you see
I can be myself now finally
In fact theres nothing I cant be
I want the world to see youll be with me

Hey soul sister, aint that mr. mister on the radio stereo
The way you move aint fair you know
Hey soul sister I dont want to miss a single thing you do
Tonight

Hey soul sister I dont want to miss a single thing you do
Tonight

if you eat nothing, you'll just die.

a quote from J yesterday, I love the way in which a three years olds brain works, its soo logical! and just funny. today we made cookies, and . . . changed bed sheets, and did not set one single foot out of the house.it wasa grotty day, yesterday it was a whole 7 degrees outside! which is pretty cool seeing as the night before it was about -7, it felt like summer, you could walk around without a coat, and without 100,000,000,000,000 layers of clothing on underneath your normal clothing, i cant wait until i no longer need to wear socks, and then i will not have to wash so many pairs of socks, today i did....9 loads of laundry, and i didnt get through it all. it was immense. yesterday i took J to the beach, after we had spent the day in luebck, bribed by mcdonalds, and ice cream in the eis cafe, and a run along the beach in his slede. we had a small falling out on the beach, which went a bit like "well then faith, you can stay here all by yourself, and you can sleep here and im leaving" at which point i decided i would tell him i was leaving and that didn't go down very well. its quite difficult to explain to a 3 year old, that the beach can be dangerous, especially in the snow, without making them shite scared of ever going in the sea again.
for our art class we are doing a travelling exhibit for the schleswig holstein musik festival, which is very cool. and i just signed up to write an article monthly for a magazine called nannies helping hand. oh and i got a pay rise. and...it still bloody snowing. and the babies have now all had their immunisations. and and and. im going to get my ear pierced. and i watched yes man! which was quite cool, and i think im going to say yes more often, although to be honest i rarely ever say no to anything at the moment, except joshi or the babies....

i'm quite positive...

...that the Germans are the only people on this entire planet that would ever sell single postcards online. I find this amusing.
Anyway, no sooner have I not updated properly about Berlin, am I back from Hamburg, with more tales and no time to tell them. My Daddy came on Thursday night, stayed here for two nights, and then we went to Hamburg for the weeked. It definately gave me the need to go back and get more. As an art student you can get free entrance to the Hamburger Kunsthalle, which is very, very cool. And its about a 40 minute drive, with all day parking for about $10. I never realised this before, but I'm still working on the premise that everything happens for a reason, and thus not having been has meant that I spent 6 months getting to know Luebeck well, which is a good thing. And now I have somewhere new to explore, and a bit of motivation to get out there and do some real things. Also, I saw the stoner/bedhead blokey from Cole Street in the Kunsthalle, so I text Dave, and turns out he missed his train, and was thus also in Hamburg, so I gave him a lift back, which meant I wasn't alone, and had some decent conversation. And had less time to mope about Dad having left. So we went for another stomp on the Alster in the dark, although all the tents and bits were gone, which was a bit of a shame, becuase it could have made for a fantastic night life.
But it is also a Sunday night, in Germany, which leaves alot to be desired on the nightlife front. Yesterday we did a bit of shopping, I tried on about 30 pairs of jeans (more like 10 really) but none of them fit, and it was really annoying, so we gave it a miss, and went to the bar and had drinks instead, and then went for dinner at this little portuguese place, where I had the BEST STEAK EVER. Definately the best piece of meat I have eaten so far this year. Then we plodded back in the snow, and hit the pillow realtively early, which is something I need to start doing here, but today i needed to update the blog :) and i can go to sleep in my clothes because they need to go in the wash anyway (i thought i had picked up a change of shirt for today, it turned out to be a pair of shorts, which is this weather is not really a good things). This morning we had a bit of a lie in, and then plodded out into town, moved the car to the tiefgarage at the kunsthalle, and went to Vapiano for lunch, where I had a caesar salad, and dad had some funny BBQ beef pasta thing. And then I had a Panna Cotta and it was fabulous =] Then we... went into the kunsthalle, where if you can prove that you are an art student you get in for free. Looked at all the bits and bobs, only insignificant works by the likes of Cezanne, Picasso, Monet....Warhol and Jeff Koons. It was all prettty cool. We managed to somehow sneak into the Pop Life exhibition through an underground passageway. We went for a walk down to the Rathaus, which is very pretty, and definately gives our town halls something to aim for in the architecture department. went back to the car and drove to te airport and then just hung out there until it was time for dad to go. and now im sat in bed, missing him already, and hoping mum and christoper are having a fantastic time in MEXICO. I was flicking through Dad's passport, and we all went to Mexico with Malachy today nine years ago. =]

some days...

i feel like..crap. just with me, not with the world or anything. but just i look like crap. and i need to do something about it, and i have this kind of warped view on me, becuase i have this fabulousbody (perhaps not to look at) but it does marvellous things, and is healthy and allows me to walk and run and see and hear and ...live. and then it looks like this blob. i was just looking at some photos of me from earlier today. and its just horrible. and new years eve, when i was wearing this fabulous dress and shoes and everything, and i just felt like total crap. which is sad, becuase everyone is love your body and blah blah blah. and i do. but its not aesthetically pleasing. at all. and i would like it to be just for my own sake, so i can stop winding myself up about it. but at the same time, i dont have the will power at the moment to do anything about it, and in ths weather what can i do? i cant run, or really walk at any speed becuase the ground is just shite
and i could eat rabbit food and things. but all the time if im nibbling, which i seem somehow to always be able to excuse. it has got to freaking stop. its driving me insane. just every now and again. and then i get these little flash moments of inspiration where its like, i could look fabulous when i go on holiday if i really stuck to something, becuase i have the time to change it. but i have tried and tried and its not working, and i need to find something that freaking works.

aside from the above rant, my daddy arrived this evening, and my mommy and brother are on their way to mexico to stay with magy for a while. its all fabulous! here it has snowed more, and its just everywhere and cold and i now cant wait for spring/summer/warmer weather, even though i am enjoying the cold.

M is out of hospital, and ... everything else in the world is good, except for the minor issue of my self-loathing.

well that was easy.

two immensely long posts in one go, and i didn't even have to type anything...
although they're so long no-one will ever read them. thats ok as well. =] i will one day read this. maybe at the end of the year i will print it off and somehow turn it into a book rivalling the nanny diaries..

er today M got admitted to hospital, becuase he got scratched by S, accidently, but it looks infected, so now he's on IV antibiotics, and so him and Julie are holed up in hospital together for the evening. I will go up again tommorow morning after I have gotten J off to kindergarten. We went in the morning to one of the social projects that sells furniture, and wondered around there for a bit. i bought some $5 ski's :P with the intention of using them, but then had no boots and no sticks and spent my afternoon in the hospital so it didn't really go very well. and then we took M for his doctors appointment, where they told us he would have to go into hospital for at least 3 days until it clears up.
and sooooo we went to the hospital, and sat in the waiting room, and then they took his temperature, vaccinated him...weighed him etc etc and then they put his IV line in, and i'm not squeamish, but he was screaming and screaming and screaming and it was horrible and there was so much blood (really it was a tiny amount)(but from a tiny person, i deemed it to be alot) and hen the room was too hot, and i just was like a little withering heap, so i back into a corner in a bid not to faint. i have conlcuded that this proves just how much i care about said little people. even if i didnt need to prove it in any way shape or form.
so then...we went to the canteen, becuase there were no beds, and ate currywurst mit pommes, and then....i went home and picked up joshi from christa, who was an angel and looked after him for the whole afternoon. and then invited me in for cake and coffee, which just about saved my life.
so then back in the bus, and took joshi home and built a bag of things for julie and M for the night, which reminds me i need a list of things to bring with me in the morning.
then...trekked back up, via mcdonalds to get julie a burger (i was very good and had nothing!)(but had by this point had two pieces of cake today)(which means no more cake for another two weeks)(one piece of cake a week) and we got a free mug that says zuckersusse - sugarsweet, its very pretty. and....then i stopped and got some petrol, and a lipbalm for julie, which incidently i forgot to give her, but will give her tommorow.
and then went to the hospital, where m was just waking up from a very restfull sleep. and just cuddled and chatted and hung out for a little while. and then....drove home again.
and now i am sat on my bed, very cold with a headache and very close to going to sleep =]
i WILL do a proper update on berlin when theres not so much going on (which will be never..)but i will!

offline blogging. #2 From...6.2.10

Ok, so carrying on. Because once again I have nothing to read, despite the fact that i am sat in my room, i just haven’t look to be perfectly honest. And i also have no internet connection, so I thought now (Saturday evening) would be an appropriate time to update this, the date is...the 6/02/10.

I thought I had ditched my cold, but I’ve got a huge amount of pressure on my sinus’s that I cant seem to shift and it’s quite uncomfortable, I also have my mid-season sale but cannot get online to see how much Buscopan one should be taking...so I will take one now and one in the morning, actually no, I will sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning. I feel like I need to talk to Ellie to make sure she doesn’t disappear from me forever, I also need to talk to Jade, and make sure she doesn’t disappear forever, but at Laura just got on the England womens squad, which is pretty damned cool. =]=]=]
The weather here has not eased up, there is still at least a foot of snow on the ground, but my igloo did fall over yesterday because it was so beautifully sunny. Just like the babies, they are also beautifully sunny. They are so amazingly beautiful and smart and funny, that sometimes it totally overwhelms me, even though they are not my children. . . That two people could have formed 4 such perfect inquisitive little bodies from love alone is truly amazing.
It was Hannah’s birthday today, she was..5 I think. We got her a “little miss naughty” t-shirt, and I made her a little cupcake tower, which was kind of cute. I spent all evening making chocolate cupcakes but they were very very light and fell to pieces in my hands so I think I will have to make some kind of dessert with them. It is now midnight and I am going to sleep, but promise that one day, I will get round to writing a proper update regarding Berlin =]

offline blogging. #1 From...4.2.10

i have been having internet issues. and so i have been blogging to a word document, which was,very,very exicting but i still never got round to writing a proper update on my berlin escapades.

so blog part I:
I hate that you cant record thoughts straight as they come out of your head. Like in my art class my head was just running with thousands and thousands of things, and now I can’t remember any of them.
So we will start with...here and now. Here and now I am sat in Cole Street, but the table that we normally have is reserved as of 10pm. Which personally I think is shit, because we come here every Thursday and they guys were fairly sure that they – being the people that work here had it reserved for us already...And then the last time we didn’t move because no-one appeared to come and claim said reserved table the grumpy waitress was all “Shame you didn’t move” – How FREAKING GERMAN?! Anyway. I like this corner, and thus unless someone expressly comes and asks us to leave I don’t think it should be expected that we do so...
It’s snowing on and off at the moment – just a note to keep the weather covered!
Erm the streets are shit, but not as shit as they were in Berlin, which is good because in Berlin they were actually lethal, i fell over twice! There’s a really cute couple sat next to me, and its ridiculous. Last night I had a dream involving...water, and Chinese vampires....

So a group of us from NING got together to go to Berlin last weekend, it was really great. The fact that I actually got off my arse and did some planning and bits to get something done was great and something that I’ve not done in quite a long time..
I left the house Friday night at about quarter to six, after having stayed up to clean my room the night before until 4, and then working all day. Can we say STUPID? And COFFEE? In the same sentence...STUPID COFFEE. I like it =] stupiddd coffee. So yes, I was stupid, and consumed vast amounts of coffee to keep me going down the autobahn in possibly the most hellish conditions I’ve ever driven in...even worse than the drive back last time, because in that weather you still have relative control of the car, when it gets icy you relinquish all control you may have ever had.
One day this deserves to be published as a book, maybe not just this year, but a collection of things, stupid things/normal things/ just general things that I do over the next [insert amount of time here..]
So I got to Luebeck at about half past 6 on Friday night, I then needed to fill up with petrol and check my tyre pressures, and about an hour before I left the house it decided it was an appropriate time to snow. But like properly snow... so the sky turned yellow and the roads turned slushy and the traffic also turned to mush. We finally left Luebeck to then take a wrong turn [entirely my fault] which meant that we were then going in the wrong direction with about 22km to the next junction where we could get off and come back down the other side [still snowing] so we finally hit the road in the right direction about an hour after having left the centre of Luebeck... we then got stuck in various jams, mainly due to the weather, or accidents related to the weather, or the autobahn being ploughed because of the weather. All in all our 8 HOUR journey time, can be blamed entirely on the weather xD, and none of it was my fault. It have never been so tired driving in my entire life, although saying that I don’t think I have ever driven for that long in my entire life, considering I didn’t even pass my test a year ago. I have to say this is the life I imagined myself living in more 5 years time than now, but hey, what’s 5 years?! It also means that maybe the desire to sit in lunges and bars and just drink coffee or talk to people, or in this instance make offline blog entries, will entirely leave my system and I can get on with the partying and hooking up with people that the general population of people my age seem to be doing. Instead of sitting and socialising with pHD students, post doctorates blah blah blah, most of whom are over 25. I have to say though, they’re great company, and can hold a proper conversation. This makes me wonder whether the way I was brought up leaves me to desire this, or the level of education I have already had, or just the quality of my education, or is it a combination of all the above?
Anyway, BERLIN!
I will finally get to the point here, I promise.
We arrived in Berlin at about...2 in the morning or something stupid, by the time we had parked the car by the Motorola offices and gotten the U-Bahn into town and then figured out where we were staying, woken up Carlo, settled in etc it was about 3. Breakfast was served until 10, which really wasn’t bad at all! It was a good breakfast too, and included in the price, I reckon If you’d have gone anywhere else to eat, it would have been at least $5...and considering we only paid $18.50 a night for our rooms, it was a pretty good deal, not to mention the fact that there was a U-Bahn station LITERALLY out the front door.
Some people have come and sat on the couch opposite, so I used my very best German to tell them that at the moment there were no more people, but more people will eventually come. Darren has just arrived so I should probably close the lid and be a bit sociable, although I find him quite difficult to socialise with. I think its probably because he is THAT much older and THAT much cleverer.

today i mustered all the effort i had to make fabulous cupcakes...they're cute, i still need to update on Berlin, but I am too exhausted..again. =]

we were here.BERLIN II

So trip #2 to Berlin is complete, this time I went with some of the guys and girls from the NING group. Left Friday evening, when it decided was an appropriate time to snow, and returned Sunday evening, when it also decided was an appropriate time to snow...driving to Berlin in the snow and back = 13 hours, instead of the estimate 5 and a half...never again in the winter I don't think.

This is from a friend of a friends blog, made me want to really make something..

Rethink Scholarship at Langara 2010 Call for Entries from Rory O'Sullivan and Simon Bruyn on Vimeo.

But at the moment I am feeling like total shite, to the point where I have spent most of the evening not knowing what to do with myself and thus sleeping it away. This is just a brief interlude in the sleeping thing. I wanted to feel like I'd done something consructive today, apart from sleeping,bathing and showering.
Tommorow If I'm feeling a little better I will spill the beans on Berlin part II.

pms

i'm in a horrible, horrible mood. which im going to blame entirely on hormones, and cold showers, and the destruction of 50 euro notes. today was a shite day, and it was snowing, and for me to be having a shite day on the same day as its snowing is quite an achievement. in all honesty the idea of being able to talk to ant at the end of it was pretty much the main thing that kept me ticking over this afternoon. he's really great =] we even have the same favourie dessert! and it will become uncomplicated in time and then it will be fabulous, but in the meantime we just have to wait and see what happens. that kids are all fabulous, J is having a funny five minutes and not listening to a thing anyone says and im finding it really difficult to handle..the babies are also being amazingly cheeky and their understanding and speech is really coming on, its amazing. its also fabulous to be able to know what they are talking about, for example M can say sausage, but i doubt if he said it to anyone that isn't in the house they would have no idea what he was talking about. it is truely amazing to be a part of that.

i haven't written in a whole week. this is scandalous, and mainly becuase i've spent all my time talking to ant. who has now gone to the shop...i just paid my art class off for this month, which makes me feel at least like i achieved something today. i took joshi to sea-life, but it was so so cold! its like -15, and its supposed to get colder..it cant get any colder.. we had no water this morning because the pipes in the house froze!!! sea life was pretty damned cool. but my camera took it as an appropriate time to run out of battery, i think it just got too cold. we're going to berlin at the weekend. so excited!!!

free falling.

im feeling too lazy to update this, so really this is a post about how lazy i am feeling. i had the baby monitor last night, and spent most of my night just listening to breathing coughing babies, i think it was some kind of instinctive thing. wierd really. went to see alvin and the chipmunks today =] very funny.

grapefruits.

today for the first time i ate and enjoyed an entire grapefruit. which is..amazing. and proves that even now my tastes are changing, which is quite a funny thought. today its not snowed again, but its gotten cold, and so the snow is freezing, which means that we have just like a foot of ice. and where the winds picked up its being blown across the road again. ayla was over this afternoon, we played a little bit in the snow, but the babies didn't really like it. i need a new term for them, i think when they're climbing on tables and escaping from their cots they no longer can be called babies. but i also cant call "the boys" becuase J is also a boy, and there needs to be something to differentiate them from him.
today i started :
writing the ultimate shopping list
shopping for nappies online
allsorts of other things that i dont have the time to write about becuase im going to sleep.

during the day...

i think of all the things i can use as blog titles for that evening, and then when i actually get to writing it i cant remember what they were. i tried to funk up the blog. however as you can see this failed, and it now looks worse than it started off looking. goes to show that you shouldn't try to fix what isnt broken...
it was payday today, which is nice, and armin took my car to the garage and the heating etc is going to get fixed, which is also cool. because its not funny when its -15 outside and your car heater doesn't work.
i've just spent some time googling sleep cycles and things, i did a sleep test and it told me i had sleep issues. i dont think i do, i just dont think i have a regular sleep cycle and that is something that i need to have to function properly.i hate typing on this keyboard, it gives me cramp. and the only way to avoid this is to have it miles away from me, which means that i cant see it and have to wear my glasses, which i generally ditch in the bathroom before going to bed.
im going to set myself a little challenge to go to bed at a certain time and wake up at a certain time everyday for a week and see what happens on the energy levels front. im also going to eat no more chocolate. or sweets, and im going to try go for a walk/swim everyday. actually even in writing that i know that its too ezcessive for my poor little head ro be able to manage and that even going to bed on time is a big big deal for me.
the igloo is still standing!!!
this was going to be a really short post. similar to yesterdays to convey that fact.
M can say sausage in his own little way, which is very very cool. they're all getting so grown up!
J in the bus on the way back from kindergarten announced that he had a fingernail attached to his finger, and then asked if the little boy walking down the road was real, becuase he didn't want him to be real. i love the things that come out of a three year olds head.

today i...

...made an igloo. it's still snowing. i don't think i need to say anymore.

sauna,snow,sauna,snow,sauna,SNOW ANGEL.

so today it snowed all day and it was very exciting. whats also very funny is the fact that the snow ploughs appear to have given up, which makes it allthe more exciting when you go for a walk, becuase you genuinely have no idea where the road is or isn't. like, you'd have thought it was obvious. but its really not when everything is really the same colour.
this evening we fired up the sauna, which was awesome, becuase it meant that we could all chill out this evening. and the snow made it even better, becuase it meant you could run out the door and freeze your arse off. or just make snow angels..


We can't really go anywhere at the moment, well actually i guess we could try, but you know. probably not a good plan.
armin filled the fish tank with snow, so that joshi can eventually choose some new fish, and we can have a pretty fish in the corner of the playroom. instead of the phirannas, which whilst they're pretty cool, they need to live in a dark dingy tank i think, which is a little bit naff in the playroom.

i went for walk with J, and he nearly got blown away. it was amazing, the wind and the snow, it was like having thousands of tiny icicles blown at your skin.
SO SO COOL!
I'M totally in love with the weather <3

the one that got away?

today its like mega snowy. its well funny because the snow plough keeps going back and forth, but by the time its coming back the other way everythings all snowed over already. and julie and armin got stuck in the snow and had to get rescued by a tractor and then had to abandon the car and get rides home with the tractor.
anyway, there was this guy. and he ... was georgeous, and in all honesty, fufilled all the criteria my perfect man would posess. but then i never had a serious conversation with him and left the country. oh and he had a girldfriend. but you know...thats irrelevant. for now he is my one that got away.
the weather here is amazing. and cold. and windy. so windy. and i love it =]
today i made
cookies
fudge
cupcakes
erm...fishfingers =D

1 minute...

to post this blog, put my computer away and turn out the light if im to go to bed when i aimed to. never going to happen right?
im very, very evidently out of touch with the uk music scene. im pretty convinced thats a good thing. 30H!3 - Starstrukk?
It snowed all day today, it was quite magical really. I <3 the SNOW!
Apart from driving in it, which today i managed to doddge like a bullet.
I think either my boobs are growing, or my favourite bra shrunk, which is bad, bad times and makes me very unhappy.I'm trying to get my flickr account up to date but in total honesty im actually finding it very hard to use, and my computer tends to be mega slow when im using it.
so eventually we might get there.
played out in the snow with B this afternoon, which was really nice, becuase he was in such a great great mood, compared to the other three.
:O 5 minutes past bedtime! i'd best be getting to sleep. although in all fairness i did have an amazingly long shower with my new body shop body scrub ;) and then i painted my nails, and my toes. and smothered myself in body butter. so if i'd have just had a normal shower then i'd have been ontime =]

ice, ice baby.

today it is icy. really really icy. and driving on the ice is not fun. and i was genuinely the most scared i've been in a very, very long time this evening, and am amazed that i got back in one piece, thanks to my phenomenally (slow) driving. when i got to luebeck, i sat in the car and burst into tears, it was totally not funny. aside from that i had a fabulous day. we made cookies this afternoon!

 

 

 

a little bit in love with life itself.

so its late, and im feeling philosophical, and also immensly proud of myself for having kept this thing going. i might mention this on a fairly regular basis. but never in my entire life have kept a diary like this for such a long time. it takes 21 days for something to become a habit. and as of the 1st of january i have been here for 5 months, which is much much more than 21 days. i dont know how many days it is though. i reckon it works out as me writing every 2 or 3 days?

i LOVE <3 the snow. no matter how long it takes me to get anywhere. i love the excitment of it being so cold, and the fact that you have to put gloves and a hat on for fear of getting frostbite.

i LOVE these children. and this family and where I am right now. of course there are times whens its difficult, or the days are long. but things all happen for a reason. which i kind of half believed in before now. but if anything could have been perfectly matched to me for this year, this would have been it.

i have taken over 500 photos. in less that 5 days. i think my computer might soon have something to say about this behaviour if it continues.

and i would love to write more. becuase my head is whirring. but im going to try and sleep, and then mabyecome back and finish what i have to say if i cant sleep becuase its bugging me.

i get tired, messed up and bored when imm alone too long

I cant sleep, function or eat when im not with someone.

None of the above are actually true, because as it happens i rather like to be alone. Today i got a nikon d5000 it's a very nifty little piece of kit and i hope i can get some truely wonderful shots with it. This evening im exhausted, the plan is to go to london tommorow. But i really dont want to and wish we didnt have to. I just want a break. Really this week hasn't been a break, so maybe i will book a last minute flight to somewhere hot at some point and just go lie in the sun for a couple of days without feeling the need to do anything. This trip has left me feeling a bit too happy and comfortable being at home again. I think its becuase everyone is home from uni and so its just like summer all over again. Yesterday i ran out of underwear apart from my little black bag of party pants. Which contains a few...not really there pieces of underwear for underneath dresses and things. So i had to make a life changing decision. Commando vs. Thong. It was truely one of the most unpleasant decisions ive had to make in a good while. In the end i went thong becuase it was better than having nothing on at all. It was surprisingly not nearly as bad as i'd anticipated, but i also have no desire to do it again in the near future. Im very tired and should go say goodnight to ayla but am a bit too lazy to get out of bed. My eyes are literally dropping. I love this space because it gives me time to have a good ramble mainly to myself.very very close to dozing off so im going to stop there. Saw laura and jade this evening. Bumped into peter and also went for dinner with jenn rhiannon and caroline. Its very icy on the roads tonight so went the whole of about 30 mph the whole way home. Went to tesco to buy an indian for dinner. Bought 11 pounds worth of bonjella because there is no dentinox. Found a sleepsuit. End of today.