i feel like..crap. just with me, not with the world or anything. but just i look like crap. and i need to do something about it, and i have this kind of warped view on me, becuase i have this fabulousbody (perhaps not to look at) but it does marvellous things, and is healthy and allows me to walk and run and see and hear and ...live. and then it looks like this blob. i was just looking at some photos of me from earlier today. and its just horrible. and new years eve, when i was wearing this fabulous dress and shoes and everything, and i just felt like total crap. which is sad, becuase everyone is love your body and blah blah blah. and i do. but its not aesthetically pleasing. at all. and i would like it to be just for my own sake, so i can stop winding myself up about it. but at the same time, i dont have the will power at the moment to do anything about it, and in ths weather what can i do? i cant run, or really walk at any speed becuase the ground is just shite
and i could eat rabbit food and things. but all the time if im nibbling, which i seem somehow to always be able to excuse. it has got to freaking stop. its driving me insane. just every now and again. and then i get these little flash moments of inspiration where its like, i could look fabulous when i go on holiday if i really stuck to something, becuase i have the time to change it. but i have tried and tried and its not working, and i need to find something that freaking works.
aside from the above rant, my daddy arrived this evening, and my mommy and brother are on their way to mexico to stay with magy for a while. its all fabulous! here it has snowed more, and its just everywhere and cold and i now cant wait for spring/summer/warmer weather, even though i am enjoying the cold.
M is out of hospital, and ... everything else in the world is good, except for the minor issue of my self-loathing.
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