this life is so complicated until we see it through the eyes of a child

and i am sat here the last couple of days realising how damned insecure i actually am. and i spend all this time pretending not to be,or convincing myself that i am not. and that im some kind of super power and im not. becuase im always hiding this, or that, or worrying about a)b)c), xyz blah blah blah. and this is not supposed to be some kind of im feeling sorry for myself something or another
so anyway. whenever im out, i constantly fiddle with this t-shirt, or wrap this cardi up, or fiddle with this or that or the other.
I fucking hate this keyboard.
joshi said oh shit this afternoon, it was very very funny
the heron colony is on its way back, which is very exciting
So yes the insecurity thing.
i...recently realised that for a long while, i didn’t believe in love. Like at all. I was convinced that every male on the planet had an alterier motive. Which is pathetic because its clearly not true, but how can anyone love me when i don’t love me. And what if i am that stupid cat woman, who has no children, has never been kissed and dies prematurely alone. Once again, i would like to make the point that these are not im feeling sorry for myself, these are genuine thoughts that are really bugging me. What if i don’t get my perfect man and 2.4 children?
I... have this ridiculous self-esteem, that makes me question peoples intentions. Like Ant and Ollie, i always find myself imagining that they were both joking in whatever nice things it was they might have respectively ever said about me,
And then..there’s this girl nele, who is joshis godmother, and about a head taller than i am, and about the same size and shes a party animal.
And i love to dance, but i hate going out dancing. And i was trying to figure this out the other day, and its because i don’t like me. I don’t feel comfortable prancing around in heels, because i just feel stupid.
Now don’t get me wrong i don’t want to be a size 8 and probably couldn’t be even if i wanted to be...but i have got to sort myself out, because i have the self esteem of a pea. Now. I don’t care if people see me as chunky, but. Its more how i see me. I saw myself in a window today, and it made me really cross, because i have this body, and it does all the things a normal sized body does, its not like i waddle like a penguin when i walk, or i cant touch my toes or other various things that really fat people cant do. But i see me different to how i am, and how other people see me. And i don’t know where im going with this. I was just trying to find the root of my not liking to go dancing thing, and i think this is it. And my social skills, they aren’t as inept as they were, but they’re not good.
Im always fiddling with clothes, to hide this, or that, or pulling them down or up and its ridiculous.

Having ranted to laura, this also belongs in my blog of the year. tonights a bit better, except i had macdonalds - well kind of, and then ... pancakes with ice cream, so....we start again tommorow, with hopefully immense amounts of will power. i will nail this in the end.