i am SO SO MAD at you. for making me feel like this. with...what less than 10 words. I am fuming, and I want to tell you that, but it won't make an ounce of difference. I found this:
I wanna write 'i miss you' on a rock and throw it at your face so you know how much it hurts to miss you
I feel like i could punch your lights out, i am so, so unbelievably angry, and all I can do is cry. fuck you.

Christmas day!

Happy Christmas!
I'm pretty sure no-one reads this, but I'll read it back in a few years time and can be safe in the knowledge that I at least wished myself a happy christmas!

I completed my first aid course - and am now qualified in paediatric first aid, and did my first week at work. It was really great, sometimes the days were long, other times the days just flew by. It seems like much more than a week since I was sitting in someones lounge in Harrow puffing into a small plastic baby to try and inflate its lungs! I got a place to study Midwifery at Kings, which is pretty damned amazing, and what I've been dreaming of since I was about 12, so I', very, very happy about that one. Going to the selection day confirmed that I was still in love with the place, and very much liked the people there.

The last post where I was ok about the Mr G thing, I am still ok. But he rocked the boat a little by wishing me a Happy Christmas and asking me how I was doing this afternoon. I'm sure it'll only take me until tomorrow to get over it again though....10 weeks today! It can only get better I suppose.

This evening we're having duck, and I've not eaten much today so I'm very much looking forward to it. It's 4pm and dark already, and the weather is really not very wintery. We spoke to J and the kids this morning, they all seemed in high spirits, looking forward to seeing the boys in a few days time!

monday

I start my new job on Monday - and have a first aid course on Sunday - it kind of worries me that for the next..4 years, I'm literally not going to get a break, but at the same time I'm OK with it because I've spent the last 3 years doing whatever I wanted to do.

Also, I was doing something thinking yesterday. I think I'm getting to be OK with the whole Mr.G thing, because I had the...honeymoon bliss that most couples don't get for years. We had our flat, and we had weekends off, and we ate breakfast in bed and showered together often and etc etc etc. There was no reason for us to be living in different places, so there was no waiting to see each other. We were both there the majority of the time (when we weren't working...) and in that respect I'm kind of happy to be single, I don't wait up until 4am to make sure he gets home OK, and I don't worry about anyone elses mess.- Don't take it to be coldhearted, I'm just trying to find the good parts in what happened...and now I feel like I can be happy by myself, because I don't feel the need to strive to be in a relationship long enough to move in with someone, and eat breakfast with them, and shower with them, and get into the same bed every night. Because for the mean-time I've been there, and done that, and it was good.

set fire to the rain.

Sometimes, I wake up by the door
And heard you calling, must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you

long time no writing!

er. i went to australia and new zealand
and then moved home. and today i got a new job.
i will be a nanny - a real nanny - to triplets, all girls this time and a little bit smaller than what im used to at 5 months.
still planning to study next year.
i broke up with mr g. (5 weeks yesterday *sobs*), i say broke up. more we came to some silly mutual understanding that it wasn't going to work because i want to be here and he wants to be there.
so i think the au-pair-diary can officially change to the nanny diaries - which i think have already been written.

this is wierd. i was just going to write a normal blog update about how many days since i last wrote and some other crap, and then i realised. the au pair diary has come to its end. i moved home last week.

and I wonder if I ever cross your mind..?

Little Things

I can't believe for a few days I was doing so well. and now. well now it's been 10 days?! wtf. oh well.

"We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them."

- John Waters (via euphoriaaaa)

(Source: quote-book, via j3ssi)

from Jade ;)

today i took J ice skating for the first time. and he was actually pretty impressive for a four year old thats never worn ice skates before...thinking maybe i can convince mr.g to come with me sunday? we shall see..

la la la today its raining. this is good. and bad. it's good because its warmer, its bad because its damp. and thats worse than it being dry. and...it will probably freeze at some point tonight, and then its not fun anymore. it was snowing earlier and then got all mushty. mr g has his first day back at work, which means im allllll byyyy myselffff *insert tune here* going ice skating tomorrow with two 4 year olds. eek.

i got a new snazzy widget for my phone, so i can blog from it. but im not doing that right now. just thought i would put it out there anyway. we just watched the time travellers wife, which I wasn't sure how I would find, as the book is beautifully written. But i think they did a good job. its a lovely movie, if a bit sad.

i need to try and change the time on this because i think it posts american time, which is not helpful when trying to use it as a reference. today the little ones went to kindergarten, and we had a massive admin morning. mr g entertained J, and they were sat upstairs playing race cars together - very cute! this afternoon we made some bird food, and had a bonfire in the garden, ooh and made some little zimt snails. yum yum yum!!! i have found out that kiel offers a psychology degree, i would just have to prove a sufficient understanding of the german language. hm hm hm :P

so all snuggled up in bed for an early night. i nearly got the motivation to plug in the coffee machine so we had fresh coffee in the morning. but i have no milk...but i think i might get up and try and figure it out anyway. or ask mr g to help me. hmmm. i have photocopied all my paperwork for anglia ruskin, and looked up what i would need to apply for uni here, as far as i can see the only thing i am missing is proof of some kind of proficiency in german. which i may want to sort out. ho hum. i shall start googling some more. and see if i can find a german course that might suit me better, especially if i have a goal.

new year, new you?

so new year, new you?

i have no new years resolutions, except the one i just came up with, which was to update this more often, because i was enjoying it, and its not like i dont have the time. seeing as i am married to my computer. or i could get an app on my phone to aid this also. frankly there is no excuse for having not updated in nearly a month. missing christmas and new year. except that my parents were here. and i was there. and gerrit was there. and luzie was here. and christopher was also here. basically i had all my most important people in one room for christmas, which was lovely.

i have decided i'm leaving at the end of may, with a family holiday to turkey with my parents to round it all off. and then i shall see how things go with mr g. the thing that currently pains me the most is the thought of not curling up next to him to go to sleep every evening. tragic i know. maybe we'll have a massive fight, or disagreement, and things will end anyway. i don't know. never been in this territory before. its terrifying! in two weeks we'll have been together for 6 months, which seems like an entire lifetime, from when we started sleeping in his little bed, then to the floor in the lounge, then to the floor in here, and now finally we have our own bed. with our own mattress. in our own little flat.

freyja and i have booked our plane tickets, rugby tickets, bus tickets and a few hostels, and we're now just trying to fill the gaps with people who will kindly look after us for a few days at a time. ronnie and tony have just moved to brisbane, and aunty Linda and uncle Ian have just joined tracy and jason out in melbourne.

Went home for a few days at new year with Gerrit, which was nice, Oma is in hospital having fallen and had a hip replacement, so we shall also see how that goes, i imagine she will move in with mum and dad at home. mum let me drive the alfa, which was also fabulous and then last night dad booked us a room at the Radisson, so that no-one had to drop us off at the airport at 2am. Everything went swimmingly with Ryanair this morning, except their noisy announcements, and pinickety hand luggage restrictions, and we are both back at the Bissnitz in one piece, ready to start work again tomorrow.