here she comes with her master plan..

...and im starting to lose control.
so german this evening, and then a late night dash around luebeck to find an open pharmacy. and then...came home. julie and armin are in the midst of a big traslation, which is very very exciting. whats less exciting is mathias's pechance for "not" going to bed when he should do. he climbs out on such a regular basis that its not even funny anymore!
carlo was saying that one of his nieces wouldn't sleep until midnight, and then woke up at 4. i mean thats painful.

daffodils

today, i was given daffodils. becuase they're english :)
and now it's julies birthday.
so i am wrapping presents and sorting bits and bobs. but im going to try hurry up becuase i want to go to sleep..:)

i'll pretend my hearts not on fire if you let me..

happy birthday to me!
its 1.27. im on my on and blowing up my own balloons. fun times!
and i spent the last few hours sewing cushion covers and cleaning my room, which is still a mess. i just moved all the mess into the corner that you can't see..its quite a useful corner.
i found a beautiful top today in tk maxx, but the queue was too long to wait in becuase i had to come home for my german lesson. and then there was a lorry crash on the autobahn, so that also didnt really help.
my hands now smell of balloons.
i should go to bed, or else i will be exhausted in the morning =]
night night.

don't get lost...

i tired to go to ikea last night and ended up instead getting stunningly lost.
it was beautiful to be lost in hamburg in the car on a saturday night. i imagine its a little bit like gettng lost in london on a saturday night, just not quite as bad.
but now i've had a good sleep and the sun is shining so everything is better, apart from the dent that i managed to put into my bank balance with my unguided tour..
i was also playing slalom with the frogs last night, as it rained and they all decided to come play on the road, there were hundreds of them, it was really amazing.
julies not here this weekend, shes gone to stay with my parents, which is nice, becuase she's spent a few days chilling out and we've done the same, its been quite funny trying to hold the fort a little bit. but armins been lovely and let me sleep every morning so far. although now im going to get dressed and go downstairs anyway. =]

this life is so complicated until we see it through the eyes of a child

and i am sat here the last couple of days realising how damned insecure i actually am. and i spend all this time pretending not to be,or convincing myself that i am not. and that im some kind of super power and im not. becuase im always hiding this, or that, or worrying about a)b)c), xyz blah blah blah. and this is not supposed to be some kind of im feeling sorry for myself something or another
so anyway. whenever im out, i constantly fiddle with this t-shirt, or wrap this cardi up, or fiddle with this or that or the other.
I fucking hate this keyboard.
joshi said oh shit this afternoon, it was very very funny
the heron colony is on its way back, which is very exciting
So yes the insecurity thing.
i...recently realised that for a long while, i didn’t believe in love. Like at all. I was convinced that every male on the planet had an alterier motive. Which is pathetic because its clearly not true, but how can anyone love me when i don’t love me. And what if i am that stupid cat woman, who has no children, has never been kissed and dies prematurely alone. Once again, i would like to make the point that these are not im feeling sorry for myself, these are genuine thoughts that are really bugging me. What if i don’t get my perfect man and 2.4 children?
I... have this ridiculous self-esteem, that makes me question peoples intentions. Like Ant and Ollie, i always find myself imagining that they were both joking in whatever nice things it was they might have respectively ever said about me,
And then..there’s this girl nele, who is joshis godmother, and about a head taller than i am, and about the same size and shes a party animal.
And i love to dance, but i hate going out dancing. And i was trying to figure this out the other day, and its because i don’t like me. I don’t feel comfortable prancing around in heels, because i just feel stupid.
Now don’t get me wrong i don’t want to be a size 8 and probably couldn’t be even if i wanted to be...but i have got to sort myself out, because i have the self esteem of a pea. Now. I don’t care if people see me as chunky, but. Its more how i see me. I saw myself in a window today, and it made me really cross, because i have this body, and it does all the things a normal sized body does, its not like i waddle like a penguin when i walk, or i cant touch my toes or other various things that really fat people cant do. But i see me different to how i am, and how other people see me. And i don’t know where im going with this. I was just trying to find the root of my not liking to go dancing thing, and i think this is it. And my social skills, they aren’t as inept as they were, but they’re not good.
Im always fiddling with clothes, to hide this, or that, or pulling them down or up and its ridiculous.

Having ranted to laura, this also belongs in my blog of the year. tonights a bit better, except i had macdonalds - well kind of, and then ... pancakes with ice cream, so....we start again tommorow, with hopefully immense amounts of will power. i will nail this in the end.

Know your place I

Always remember, that in truth, you are only a small, and insignificant cog, in a massive machine you can't control.

Wie New York ohne Sinatra
Wie Wien ohne den Prater
Wie ein Herzschlag ohne Blut
Wie Lindenberg ohne Hut
Wie ne Eiszeit ohne Schnee
England ohne Tee
So als ob bei Steve McQueen die ganze Coolheit fehlt

Jeder Boxer braucht ne Linke,
Kiss braucht viermal Schminke
Tonic braucht Gin.
Wie wär ein Leben ohne Sinn?
Wie ein leeres Paket
Wie ein Rad das sich nicht dreht
So als ob anstatt nem Sturm nur ein leichter Wind weht

So bin ich ohne dich
Du hältst mich mir fehlt nichts
Lass mich nie mehr los
Lass mich lass mich nie mehr los
Lass mich nie mehr los
Lass mich lass mich nie mehr los

Wie das All ohne Planeten
Astronauten ohne Raketen
Paul Newman ohne Clou
Old Shatterhand ohne Winnetou
Wie ein Dieb der nicht stiehlt
Wie ein Wort das nicht zählt
So als ob beim Alphabet ein Buchstabe fehlt.

So bin ich ohne dich
Du hältst mich mir fehlt nichts
Lass mich nie mehr los
Lass mich lass mich nie mehr los


I had a good day.
Art.
Lunch.
Garden.
Ice cream.
Weiland.
Bastel Laden
Mud
Snow
Climbing frames
more art
ruined canvas
shopping
pampers pull ups - size 5
white eggs
decorating easter eggs
german lesson with armin
sleep
EARLY START TOMMOROW

flights booked.

away we go. :) more snow. very cold.

snow

its snowing.more.unimpressed.

don't go to the opera.

i went with dave to the "vorspiele" of the tempest tonight.
they talked for half an hour before hand
then they sang everything, which was impossible to understand.
then....they broke limbs of a barbie doll
....threw twigs round the stage...
...and pretended to be penguins.

then we were kicked out. i so don't understand what happened.

and i might have scarlet fever. and .... i have never seen such insane weather in my life. sun snow hail rain wind rainbows. crazy, crazy shit.

i bought a polaroid and a table lamp yesterday at the social project in segeberg the are both totally cool. except i cant get any ilm for the polaroid.